Mixed Feeling. sighs.

Had a shock in youth just now. Pastor Alan told us that this group of youth will be splitted to two groups -- one for the secondary school-goers and another, the college group beginning in April. That's like in 2 weeks time?? My heart sanked when I heard it. Can't help it but the grief feeling was there. All these while I've been mixing with everyone, but my passion and ministry goes for the younger ones, those in the secondary school. Of course I didn't wanna show those younger ones that I'm not happy. Pretender, you can call me. Everyone feels okay with this change, but for me.. Just like what Mun Wah said, "It'll be the hardest thing for my sis, as she's so close to the younger ones". And what she said is true. But not entirely about friends also, since they're going to merge back with us in no time. More to something else.. something more important.

In some way, its a good idea actually. I saw many excited faces like Aivy, Sab, Rui Yuan and all.. they can take control of the youth and let it grow, they're excited to lead this youth. I'm proud actually. Because eventually, this is what I want. I've already let go of the leadership in youth slowly beginning last year, imparting what I have, my experiences to them. Definitely young leaders amongst them gotta rise up, and take control eventually. They can always lead even when we're still there but prolly our presence pressured them and with us, they'll be a little more dependent on us. I'm not surprised.

The college group is going to be like a cell group. We all know each other so well, bonded through mamak-ing and fried chicken sessions, not forgetting camps and music practice sessions as most of us are involved there. One more thing that captured me is that we're going to use PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE as our material. I'm sure we're going to learn alot from there! But still..

From this new change, I'll be more free. Not so caught up in serving, but to draw from God only. Changing from Martha to Mary, stop all my chores and listen from Jesus' feet. I don't need to worship lead, going for youth early every week to fetch everyone who needs transport to youth, need not arrange and do ushering ministry, guitar and so much more. All I do is to attend the group and listen, refreshing myself from His stream.

Few years back, I heard from God. I found out my call from God. I remembered Auntie Kaethie, Uncle Raymond, Pastor Cheli and all always tell us that each of us have a call in our lives and that's where He will use us to reach out to His people and to serve Him by serving His people. My call was to encourage, build up and share my experiences to the new believers in school or those with not strong enough faith people, guiding and leading them to another higher level and slowly moving on to another person. Yes, that's my call and that's what I've been doing. Alot of confirmations were given when I'm prayed for by pastors and in camps.

Now, I'm in a dilemma position. Should I stay and go on with my call (if I'm allowed to stay); or should I listen and draw only from Jesus?? I don't know.

Jesus, I just want to hear from you. I surrender everything to you and I know Your ways are higher than every other ways. I know Your plans are to prosper me. Use me as I avail myself to You. Refresh me with revelations and guide me as I run this race. Be with me, be with this youth. I commit everything into Your mighty hands, amen.